Lets take a second to take a breath… Please don’t turn away and take the time to read this.
Depression. The medical term for this word: Feelings of severe despondency and dejection.
That means nothing to someone like me.
Depression. The feeling of worthlessness, hate, rejection, the thought of never being good enough for anyone, the fear of living and dying, of going to school and crying in the bathroom stalls hoping that nobody hears your muffled sobbing.
Anxiety. Medical term: A feeling of worry, nervousness, unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain event.
Anxiety. For everyone its different, its crying in the bathroom at school, crying yourself to sleep at night, the feeling of helplessness and being lost like your never going to be found again, your breath being taken away from you slowly. Then all at once. You gasp for breath as your jumbled thoughts race through your mind and no matter how hard you try you can not focus. You lock yourself in your room hoping that you never have to come out, that after you fall asleep you won’t ever have to wake up. But when the morning comes your hopes of that are no more, you put on that smile everyone says they love and you fake it.
Everyone of you may know or think you have a general idea of what those words are and what they mean, but nobody talks about it.
You may be asking yourself why I bolded and colored those two words, Depression, Anxiety. Anxiety red for the tear stricken face after crying yourself to sleep every single night, depression, black for the feeling of how your going through life, the color you see when you close your eyes to get away from those feelings.
I know what its like to live with these things, to hate on myself and feel worthless, to feel like all thats left is suicide, to lay in bed at night and want to kill myself just to end the pain that feels never ending I know what its like to mentally and physically beat myself up over the things that people make me feel is my fault. But I try my hardest, I try my hardest to keep pushing, not only myself but one of my best friends as well. We push each other. She has this saying it goes, “she is her own Picasso”. Carving ourselves into something beautiful, together we push, we fight.
But why is it that the people going through these things always feel so alone? I can’t tell you that, its not something I can explain. But why do we let them continue to feel like that? Nobody, not even the doctors, nor the psychiatrist, none of them truly know what its like to live the way we do. They tell you, take this pill three times a day and in just a short while you will start to get better. Thats not how it works. “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. More lies. Words stab you in the heart, they tear it apart and they hurt more than a immature teenager would ever understand.
So lets stop the stigmas, take the time to talk to someone, don’t let them be alone, let them know you are always here. I know its scary. The most important thing you can do is listen. Don’t talk, listen, let them talk to you and let them know that its okay to open up. Become more than just another person walking past them in the hall, stick up to the bullies you see and hear pushing them around. Don’t let them just be another statistic, together we can make a difference.
Depression is not something that just goes away, remember that. Its not easy.
I tell you these things to make you think. Please don’t think less of me or the people going through this.
xx Sheena xx