Hey guys, so the last few days I really felt moved to write this, it’s really personal and I’m opening myself up a lot. So if you can’t read something about suicide you probably should not read this post. This is personal and very hard for me to write. You can all feel free to comment thoughts and experiences or message me about your own experiences, but please do NOT message me or try talking to me about myself, I will not talk to you about it.
Do any of you know someone that has committed suicide? How about somebody that has attempted to commit suicide?
Chances are you answered yes to at least one of those questions, and if you didn’t then you probably don’t know one of your friends very well. For every 25 suicide attempts, there is one suicide. That’s a scary thought, there are so many people that are on the brink of wanting to die, all the kids and teens and young adults that are pushed so far to the edge that they can’t take it anymore and decide to go through with it.
I have been at that point. Pills in my hands, thighs, and wrists bleeding, ready to take my own life. Not talking to anyone because nobody ever understood. I didn’t want to go to some stupid counselor or be treated like a freak charity case, I didn’t want anyone to know. Then when I did tell someone all they said was “you need help”. I was reported, I was looked at like I was some little child that needed to be fixed. Nobody wants to hear or be treated like that. And then they treat you differently, they look at you with so much sympathy and sadness in their eyes whenever they see you walking down the hallway or anywhere you go, and all you want is for them to forget it. You wish you could take back everything that you ever told them and go back to hiding it from the world.
Let me tell you something. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped, pushing them to go to a counselor or try getting them to go onto medication is not always the answer. In fact, in a lot of cases, they will start pushing you farther away. I did this, I told someone and all that did was make things worse. I started pushing people away and soon I only had one or two people I could ever really talk to, one being hours away. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it helps, and there are those people that come to you asking to please help them, help them get to a counselor. But even when you get the medication it doesn’t always help, doctors will tell you it can actually increase the chance of suicidal thoughts or actions, and it does happen.
A lot of times parents and counselors try and push all these pills your way, or they have you try another counselor, trying to make you happy, to make the depression go away. You don’t understand. Depression doesn’t just go away, it’s not something that you can just snap your fingers and it’s gone. People who are depressed, and are suicidal don’t just want to die, in fact, they want to live, but living proves to be too hard for them. When I talk about depression and anxiety, and things focused around this topic I often use this saying, “It’s the fear of living and dying”. It’s true, we are scared to live and yet we are scared to die. As a Christian, I’ve been told that I shouldn’t be scared of dying, that I shouldn’t be scared of the unknown yet at times I am afraid, I’m sick of living. Life pushes you to what feels like the edge, you wish the pain would just end but it feels like it never will and you feel like the only option left is to end it with your life.
So many people go through these things, they find every day as a battle to get up in the morning. Yet, they do, the wake-up, get themselves out of bed and fake a smile for the world to see, not letting anyone inside. Then some days they can’t get out of bed, they can’t even lift their head, all they want to do is go back to sleep and never wake up. It’s a battle that is fought every day. People turn to a vice, like what I talked about in my post labeled ‘Vices’. Cutting, smoking, tattoos, sometimes sex, or maybe it’s exercising. So many things that people turn to, something that they can feel in control of, the one thing that they can put in their own hands to take the pain away. I’ve had several vices, always trying to find the one thing that I can take the pain away even just for a minute.
Suicide is not just the death itself, there is always events, things that have happened that has to lead up to it. It seems so sudden but it’s not, it’s something that has been stirring up for a long time, sometimes years or maybe sometimes just months. And no it’s not just affecting just that one person, it’s said that for every one suicide it affect at least 6 more people, I know this is true, recently a friend of mine had another friend that killed himself, I didn’t necessarily know the kid but because it affected her in such a way it affected me. But in that time that person feels so alone, they feel like nobody around them really cares or would miss them when they leave, all they know is that the pain won’t stop. We know that’s not true, and so do they, but in that time, none of that matters or really crosses their mind, all they want is for the pain to cease.
I want to tell all of you something. If you know someone that goes through depression, anxiety, or anything closely related to it, don’t treat them like they are some freak. For someone that has and still goes through it, I am telling you not to just go up and ask them about it, that will instantly put a wall between the two of you. Don’t look at them differently, just be a friend, a regular friend. And even if you don’t know of someone in particular, if you see someone getting bullied or see someone who is having a bad day, try doing something to make their day just a little bit better, god forbid bring them ice cream or chocolate. Now if they want to talk to you about it then go ahead, you may not always know what to say exactly, but sometimes for them just having someone to vent to will make an impact.
Suicide, depression, anxiety and beyond is all something really hard to talk about and something that people wish that they could just avoid. But we shouldn’t avoid these things. These things are serious. If you have questions or need to talk, don’t be afraid to go to someone about it. If you are going through something hard, or you struggle with anything that I have talked about and you need someone to talk to, feel free to talk to me, a family member or friend! Don’t feel like you are alone in this awful corrupt world, there is always someone that can at least sympathize with the things you are going through.
Thanks for taking the time to read this very long blog post, I love you all!
xx Sheena xx